In my spiritual journey I have learned a few things. I've learned that it's ok to not always understand. I've learned that it's ok to accept a lot of things beyond my control. I've learned that it's ok to have questions and I've learned that although there are some things I accept that doesn't mean that I will ever understand them.
For instance, why do crappy parents get kids? As the parent of a special needs child you may often hear, "God only gives special children to special parents." Very early on another special needs parent informed me that statement definitely wasn't true....that crappy parents often had special needs kids.......if you look around you see plenty of perfectly healthy kids with crappy parents too.....do I understand it? no. .....but I guess I have to accept it..... I don't know why a lot of things happen the way they do......It would be very easy to assume it is all hopeless.....
This is what our preacher has been talking about. .....having confidence in God....>>> there was a time in my life when I didn't fully understand that. I thought that having confidence in God was believing that he could make anything happen - while that IS true it is not at all how I perceived it. I perceived that people were teaching that if you asked faithfully enough for anything that God would grant your prayers - well, if it was something good, that is. Like, if you believed enough and prayed enough and knew God enough and prayed for someone to be well then it would happen - or if you prayed hard enough for someone else to accept Christ it would happen. After all, "where two or more are gathered in His name...." right? .....and these are both good things to ask for - things that it seems like God should want.......Thing is, that is often take out of context and what we need to understand is that having confidence in God is actually being sure of how He has every aspect of our lives already planned.....of how he gives us opportunities and gives us the choice to handle situations and decide whether we do these things WITH Him as our guide or if we try to do them on our own.
He can (and certainly has) provide divine healing - but still the part we miss is that there is more to it than that. Adam and Eve exerted their free will and committed the first sin. Since then we, as humans, are continually exercising our practice in free will and sin and understanding that God is God and He alone is perfect. He alone knows all the answers. If our earthly life were perfect would we desire eternal life? Would there be a need for God? We would have all the answers, we would have all the power, we would know all the right things to do - right? I don't believe so - you see - already God gives us one simple choice - accept the choice of salvation and have peace and know eternal life OR refuse the gift, turn our backs on Him and try to do the best we can.....and look at how hard we make that sometimes......
It's easy for us to say we accept Christ and that we're saved, but then we have all the 'buts' and 'what-ifs' and 'why me's' and 'this sure isn't the way I would do it'. We accept the gift of salvation and we know that our sins are forgiven, we know that God's way and His plan are perfect - when it matches what we envision is perfect.....
What we forget is that His plan is still perfect, even if it isn't easy - in fact, historically a Christian life on earth has never been a necessarily easy life - we forget that He knows every single detail of why things are the way they are and how they will impact every external factor. We lose our focus.....we lose confidence......because His plan doesn't match ours....
Our preacher used the example of a little boy, Hayden, in his evening message. he talked of Hayden and his family and the struggles the endure each day in his journey with epilepsy. He talked of Hayden's brother and his faithful prayers. He talked of Hayden's smile, despite the struggles. Hayden's story touched close to home.......my heart wept for Hayden and his family. I cried my own tears for our own struggles and the struggles Hayden and his family continue to bear. Right now I don't ask why because I understand it is a small part of God's larger plan.....but I still grieve for my own loss and I hurt for Hayden's family.....I grieve for them for the things they endure that other families probably couldn't ever imagine.....I grieve for them the things that they will never again take for granted - the things that others unknowingly do. I grieve for my loss. I grieve for my boys - the loss of their little sister and all that they've resiliently endured. I grieve for Stevie and the tremendous pressure of being the 'man of the family' with the responsibilty to provide for his family while trying to have to remain strong, while his wife openly weeps at drop of a hat - he lost his baby girl too - shouldn't he have the right to lose it any time he pleases too?.
No, there is a lot I don't understand. I've often said , that as a mother, Zeta would have been born healthy.......I would have never planned for her life to be the way that it was.......but when I stop and really think about it I know it was perfectly planned and that every step of her journey was not in vain......I know first-hand the good that has come of her short life. I've had the opportunity to experience life as I never have before......I know that she is healed and wearing that huge smile in heaven with her own little crown......I know that I will one day join her.
I know these things because I've accepted salvation.....I know these things because they are promised. .......I'm not standing on idol worship.....I'm not standing as a desperate mother grasping at anything to make the senseless make sense......I am standing as a grieving mom who is able to rejoice because I know that God is real....I know that Heaven is real......I stand on the promises of God, because I've already experienced too many things that are not coincidental...things that can only be explained by God.....I pay attention to the small things because the miracles are there - you just have to see them.........God is there - you just have to be CONFIDENT!
A journey of life, death, love.....
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
making it through the firsts
A while back I had the chance to sit down and really talk with another mom who had lost a child. One thing she pointed out was all of the "firsts' you would experience as a parent grieving a child. I guess I did not realize how poignant all of these firsts would be.....perhaps it's the fact that I've experienced so many of these firsts at one time lately......
Last week Trina and I (as part of Team Zeta) had the opportunity to visit a couple of families in the hospital.....This is one of the same hospitals Zeta was in.....we waited in the OR waiting room of which Zeta had her very first surgery....we visited another family in a unit in which it had been almost exactly three years to the day (only one day shy to be exact)that was the last time we were in that unit. During that particular stay Zeta was VERY, VERY ill and we actually ended up transferring to another hospital. There were a couple of the people on staff there that we left on not so happy terms with and I know the feeling was mutual - while at the same time we reluctantly left so many, many of the others. It was a superbly frightening time in our lives......the worry of the already month long traumatic stay......the worry that we were making the right decisions......the worry of what would happen if we ever had to come back to this unit......just a whole lot of emotion that I can't put into writing.....
Well, I was able to sit in the OR waiting room. It didn't bother me at all - in fact, I was honored to be there for another family in a way that others' had supported us. I actually saw one of our favorite surgeons and he took the time to talk with me at length. He even asked about the rest of my family and remembered such small details.....this is just one of the reasons he was one of our favorites. He didn't see Zeta as just a number on his caseload. He understood that she was our baby and we were her family and I don't think he ever took that for granted.
I went back to the NICU and visited with some of our friends and that was great too! We surely owe a lot to them <3
Going back to a different unit in the hospital was a little more difficult. It didn't dawn on me at the time that it would be difficult. We walked right in and I marched myself up to the desk - just to find one of the last nurses that worked during our last days there. I doubt she even knows (although she says she remembered me), but it was actually the next to last day we spent there. Zeta had been sedated for nearly 3 weeks and we were at a standstill with the doctors. I was just over it. Zeta started coughing and needed suctioning so I started to do it, and the nurse gently took it away from me......she was doing her job. I took it as another attack on my parenting skills or perhaps someone else just NOT listening to me and I just really lost it. I basically ran from the room without saying a word and left Zeta, Stevie and the nurse for 2 hours.....without a word.....without any utterance.....I ran away.....I prayed....a lot .....during those 2 hours.....in fact, I believe all that I did was pray. I prayed that God not take Zeta away....I prayed that we were making the right decisions. I prayed that people understand what we wanted, why we wanted it and what we were doing. I prayed that somehow everything could somehow be normal.....I poured out every emotion that had been kept in for so long.
When I faced the door to that unit last week all these emotions did not hit me immediately....As I walked through the doors I could feel the familiar dizziness associated with my panic attacks. I focused on the fact that I was very aware of where I was, but I also forced myself to realize that I was there for a very different reason than I was the last time. My mission was to make it to see the family that I was there to meet and to be a positive part of their experience there. The family accepted us with open arms and I was happy to see their little one awake and aware. They were full of praises for their medical team, for which I was grateful.....it also goes to show that different people have different experiences and there are so many variables that have a part in our experiences.....so in a place in which my life was very dark and uncertain - another family was experiencing joy and relief.....I've been on the other side of that too......In various units or with certain doctors our family experienced relief and joy while others were hurting or distressed or scared or felt like they weren't being heard........I think that's why it's medical 'practice' and not medical perfection......there is no way to know all about how to treat every patient and the people working there are human and have bad days or off days just like everyone else.........Why or how God so intricately orchestrated the two days I was there 3 years apart - I have no clue.....all I can say is that I have no doubt it"s part of His plan....I don't believe that anything happens by chance......
Another first I've experienced this week is going to the funeral home in which I last saw Zeta's body.....I can't say that it was traumatic when I left the first time. I walked to the casket and looked at her and realized it wasn't her, but just her body. When I felt the emotion come I simply walked away.....I didn't linger on the fact that there her body remained. I couldn't. Stevie asked me the other night to go with him to the funeral home because an elderly lady he knew when he was young had died. I agreed without reservation....actually I didn't give ANY thought to it....until we had actually parked and he turned the ignition off when we arrived. I just sat and stared at the door. Really? You want me to go in there? Really? I didn't say those things, I just thought them as I sat frozen in my seat for what seemed like an eternity - which was actually mere seconds I'm sure. I convinced myself that it would be fine and we walked in the funeral home.....I got in the door....no problem. I walked into the parlor....we talked to some old friends....no problem. I turned and faced the front and saw the casket - though much larger than the casket I saw when I was last there. I walked toward the front.....uh-oh this was way too familiar....I looked and saw the elderly lady's body there, lifeless......uh-oh, this was way too much and way too familiar......I had the need to get away.....I wasn't crying, I didn't cry......I just had to get out.....I couldn't face it.......so I walked away, without a word, without stopping, without noticing anything else.... I realize that part of me is still running......I don't visit the cemetery very often....I quickly realized that part of it is a way that I cope....plus I know that my baby is not there. She is in Heaven and that small plot of dirt just covers a shell.
The final first I've experienced this week is talking openly about my experiences with a group of other moms. It feels like I've talked openly about our experiences hundreds of times. I write about our experiences. I talk about them individually with other people. I've talked about them with a group of special needs families.....I've even talked about them with groups of my high school students......but Wednesday I talked about it with a group of moms. It seemed a lot more difficult to do it with that group than any other time I've talked about it.......Trina pointed out that maybe it was because they were moms and they related....All during my talk I fought back tears and emotion....I felt bad because when I looked out I saw that I was making most of the moms cry too - which was far from the message I was trying to convey.....you see I believe our story is a message of hope -I just couldn't figure out why it was so bad.....I had not dealt with this much emotion in telling my story before (well except when I was trying to tell it to my preacher's wife and a women's ministry leader which still leaves me a little perplexed).....perhaps because of all the 'firsts' I had experienced prior to speaking to this group of moms.....I think maybe why I felt so much raw emotion is because I spoke to that group AS A MOM, a grieving mom who is still trying to figure out what is normal.....a grieving mom who realizes how very important the little things are and tries to never take for granted all the little things with her boys.....JUST A MOM - not a special needs mom - not a mom who watched her baby fight 3 years and was told basically from conception that something would be different with her baby.....JUST A MOM.......and what makes that different is that as a mom you want what's best for your child, but sometimes you get confused in thinking you actually know what is best and God doesn't........as a mom, you want more than anything for your child to remain with you. As a mom, you assume you will outlive your children.....as a mom, you never want to sit by your child's hospital bed -you'd rather sit by her bed at home and help her say her prayers. As a mom, you can feel cheated if your child isn't perfect....you feel guilt for not doing all the right things.....you feel worry in making sure you've made the right choices......you wonder how you can fix things....you spend your life planning your children's future.....as just a mom.
There are days when the emotion pours out. There are times when I wonder if I will ever function as a normal person again.....what I realize is that most everyone experiences some of these emotions at some time. Life is not fair. God never said it would be. If life were perfect and fair we would have no need for God - I assume we would be God......We have to have faith....we have to push others in their faith....we all have a desire for something better in life....Eternity is just that.....God takes care of you when you trust Him.....and no matter how lost or hurt I feel I know that God is there. I can be confident in the blessings I see around me and the miracles I've witnessed. I know that my God is greater than any doubt, any fear or any obstacle I will ever face. I know that my God is the one true God. I know these things because my heart has been opened. I've accepted salvation. Does that make me perfect - no, I fail everyday.....sometimes, miserably. Does that make life wonderful all the time - well, if you've read this far then you know the answer to that is obviously no......Accepting salvation makes life worth living....it makes SOME things make better sense and helps you accept the things that don't seem to make any sense at all. It makes you thirst for knowledge and try to find a way to bless others and make them know His presence. It's not something you have to earn. All you have to say is, "Yes, Lord I believe in you, I am a sinner - I know I'm not perfect, Please come into my heart. I want to be with you in Heaven for eternity."
As a side note, we experienced another first Wednesday night - our first family portraits without Zeta...I would not have done them had it not been that our church is doing a new directory.....but we were able to actually have Zeta in one last family picture and no one questioned it at all....can't wait to show them!
Last week Trina and I (as part of Team Zeta) had the opportunity to visit a couple of families in the hospital.....This is one of the same hospitals Zeta was in.....we waited in the OR waiting room of which Zeta had her very first surgery....we visited another family in a unit in which it had been almost exactly three years to the day (only one day shy to be exact)that was the last time we were in that unit. During that particular stay Zeta was VERY, VERY ill and we actually ended up transferring to another hospital. There were a couple of the people on staff there that we left on not so happy terms with and I know the feeling was mutual - while at the same time we reluctantly left so many, many of the others. It was a superbly frightening time in our lives......the worry of the already month long traumatic stay......the worry that we were making the right decisions......the worry of what would happen if we ever had to come back to this unit......just a whole lot of emotion that I can't put into writing.....
Well, I was able to sit in the OR waiting room. It didn't bother me at all - in fact, I was honored to be there for another family in a way that others' had supported us. I actually saw one of our favorite surgeons and he took the time to talk with me at length. He even asked about the rest of my family and remembered such small details.....this is just one of the reasons he was one of our favorites. He didn't see Zeta as just a number on his caseload. He understood that she was our baby and we were her family and I don't think he ever took that for granted.
I went back to the NICU and visited with some of our friends and that was great too! We surely owe a lot to them <3
Going back to a different unit in the hospital was a little more difficult. It didn't dawn on me at the time that it would be difficult. We walked right in and I marched myself up to the desk - just to find one of the last nurses that worked during our last days there. I doubt she even knows (although she says she remembered me), but it was actually the next to last day we spent there. Zeta had been sedated for nearly 3 weeks and we were at a standstill with the doctors. I was just over it. Zeta started coughing and needed suctioning so I started to do it, and the nurse gently took it away from me......she was doing her job. I took it as another attack on my parenting skills or perhaps someone else just NOT listening to me and I just really lost it. I basically ran from the room without saying a word and left Zeta, Stevie and the nurse for 2 hours.....without a word.....without any utterance.....I ran away.....I prayed....a lot .....during those 2 hours.....in fact, I believe all that I did was pray. I prayed that God not take Zeta away....I prayed that we were making the right decisions. I prayed that people understand what we wanted, why we wanted it and what we were doing. I prayed that somehow everything could somehow be normal.....I poured out every emotion that had been kept in for so long.
When I faced the door to that unit last week all these emotions did not hit me immediately....As I walked through the doors I could feel the familiar dizziness associated with my panic attacks. I focused on the fact that I was very aware of where I was, but I also forced myself to realize that I was there for a very different reason than I was the last time. My mission was to make it to see the family that I was there to meet and to be a positive part of their experience there. The family accepted us with open arms and I was happy to see their little one awake and aware. They were full of praises for their medical team, for which I was grateful.....it also goes to show that different people have different experiences and there are so many variables that have a part in our experiences.....so in a place in which my life was very dark and uncertain - another family was experiencing joy and relief.....I've been on the other side of that too......In various units or with certain doctors our family experienced relief and joy while others were hurting or distressed or scared or felt like they weren't being heard........I think that's why it's medical 'practice' and not medical perfection......there is no way to know all about how to treat every patient and the people working there are human and have bad days or off days just like everyone else.........Why or how God so intricately orchestrated the two days I was there 3 years apart - I have no clue.....all I can say is that I have no doubt it"s part of His plan....I don't believe that anything happens by chance......
Another first I've experienced this week is going to the funeral home in which I last saw Zeta's body.....I can't say that it was traumatic when I left the first time. I walked to the casket and looked at her and realized it wasn't her, but just her body. When I felt the emotion come I simply walked away.....I didn't linger on the fact that there her body remained. I couldn't. Stevie asked me the other night to go with him to the funeral home because an elderly lady he knew when he was young had died. I agreed without reservation....actually I didn't give ANY thought to it....until we had actually parked and he turned the ignition off when we arrived. I just sat and stared at the door. Really? You want me to go in there? Really? I didn't say those things, I just thought them as I sat frozen in my seat for what seemed like an eternity - which was actually mere seconds I'm sure. I convinced myself that it would be fine and we walked in the funeral home.....I got in the door....no problem. I walked into the parlor....we talked to some old friends....no problem. I turned and faced the front and saw the casket - though much larger than the casket I saw when I was last there. I walked toward the front.....uh-oh this was way too familiar....I looked and saw the elderly lady's body there, lifeless......uh-oh, this was way too much and way too familiar......I had the need to get away.....I wasn't crying, I didn't cry......I just had to get out.....I couldn't face it.......so I walked away, without a word, without stopping, without noticing anything else.... I realize that part of me is still running......I don't visit the cemetery very often....I quickly realized that part of it is a way that I cope....plus I know that my baby is not there. She is in Heaven and that small plot of dirt just covers a shell.
The final first I've experienced this week is talking openly about my experiences with a group of other moms. It feels like I've talked openly about our experiences hundreds of times. I write about our experiences. I talk about them individually with other people. I've talked about them with a group of special needs families.....I've even talked about them with groups of my high school students......but Wednesday I talked about it with a group of moms. It seemed a lot more difficult to do it with that group than any other time I've talked about it.......Trina pointed out that maybe it was because they were moms and they related....All during my talk I fought back tears and emotion....I felt bad because when I looked out I saw that I was making most of the moms cry too - which was far from the message I was trying to convey.....you see I believe our story is a message of hope -I just couldn't figure out why it was so bad.....I had not dealt with this much emotion in telling my story before (well except when I was trying to tell it to my preacher's wife and a women's ministry leader which still leaves me a little perplexed).....perhaps because of all the 'firsts' I had experienced prior to speaking to this group of moms.....I think maybe why I felt so much raw emotion is because I spoke to that group AS A MOM, a grieving mom who is still trying to figure out what is normal.....a grieving mom who realizes how very important the little things are and tries to never take for granted all the little things with her boys.....JUST A MOM - not a special needs mom - not a mom who watched her baby fight 3 years and was told basically from conception that something would be different with her baby.....JUST A MOM.......and what makes that different is that as a mom you want what's best for your child, but sometimes you get confused in thinking you actually know what is best and God doesn't........as a mom, you want more than anything for your child to remain with you. As a mom, you assume you will outlive your children.....as a mom, you never want to sit by your child's hospital bed -you'd rather sit by her bed at home and help her say her prayers. As a mom, you can feel cheated if your child isn't perfect....you feel guilt for not doing all the right things.....you feel worry in making sure you've made the right choices......you wonder how you can fix things....you spend your life planning your children's future.....as just a mom.
There are days when the emotion pours out. There are times when I wonder if I will ever function as a normal person again.....what I realize is that most everyone experiences some of these emotions at some time. Life is not fair. God never said it would be. If life were perfect and fair we would have no need for God - I assume we would be God......We have to have faith....we have to push others in their faith....we all have a desire for something better in life....Eternity is just that.....God takes care of you when you trust Him.....and no matter how lost or hurt I feel I know that God is there. I can be confident in the blessings I see around me and the miracles I've witnessed. I know that my God is greater than any doubt, any fear or any obstacle I will ever face. I know that my God is the one true God. I know these things because my heart has been opened. I've accepted salvation. Does that make me perfect - no, I fail everyday.....sometimes, miserably. Does that make life wonderful all the time - well, if you've read this far then you know the answer to that is obviously no......Accepting salvation makes life worth living....it makes SOME things make better sense and helps you accept the things that don't seem to make any sense at all. It makes you thirst for knowledge and try to find a way to bless others and make them know His presence. It's not something you have to earn. All you have to say is, "Yes, Lord I believe in you, I am a sinner - I know I'm not perfect, Please come into my heart. I want to be with you in Heaven for eternity."
As a side note, we experienced another first Wednesday night - our first family portraits without Zeta...I would not have done them had it not been that our church is doing a new directory.....but we were able to actually have Zeta in one last family picture and no one questioned it at all....can't wait to show them!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
People continue to amaze me. The cleaning fairy does exist, and even the most seemingly self-confident teenagers do have feelings.
Let me explain. We often have people willing to help with Team Zeta projects. Just Saturday, I had a lady tell me that we “must” ask her husband ANYTIME we do an event because his business would like to be a sponsor. I explained that we try not to ask the same people over and over simply because we know it’s hard to continually give money to organizations. She said that they wanted to be a part of sponsoring as often as they could. She also asked to volunteer with any event that we do. We have a lot of people volunteer for different things that we do. I think it’s because people want to be a part of something good. People thirst to be a part of the blessings they’ve witnessed being done in our lives. People hunger to be a part of the greater good. The feeling you get while being a blessing to others is better than most any gift you could receive.
The laundry fairy has been to my house almost daily this week – only we were almost too busy to recognize it. I noticed that some of our clothes had been folded and put on the dining room table. I assumed Stevie had done it -but thought it was a little weird – and I didn’t really think that he had time to do it when I would not have seen him. He assumed the same thing of me. This went on for a couple of days. One of us would put the clothes up and then more clothes would appear the next day. Finally, Steven noticed a bag of goodies and some things from my mom on the table with the clothes. He figured out that it was she who was washing our clothes. My dad would stop by the house after we left for school and gather our dirty clothes, then my mom would wash them and they would bring them back. Sad that it took us so long to catch on, but regardless it was definitely a huge blessing!
Finally, I look at the kids I work with at school and I don’t envy them one bit. I remember high-school and those inadequate feelings. I would consider myself to be a part of the ‘in’ crowd when I was in school – I was in sports and had friends, but even then there were so many times I felt like I wasn’t quite sure where I belonged. There are so many kids that feel this way. I just wish I could let them peek into the future or magically make them know all the things that I know so that they understand that it’s ok to love yourself and it’s ok to step up and be a leader. I wish I could take the uneasiness, and hurt, and self-consciousness away.
Finally, I made a call asking an old co-worker about renting a piece of equipment for use for an upcoming event that I’m involved in working with. He agreed to let us use it – free of charge. I’m continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of so many people. It often makes me stop and wonder……hmmm, I don’t think I’ve done anything like that for him/her – why are they being so nice to me? For instance, Team Zeta just got a donation in the mail from a couple that apologized for not being able to come to TZ Day in the Country yet they still wanted to make a donation to our cause. I mean, really – to put that much thought into wanting to help out?! I constantly stand in awe of the blessings and miracles that surround me each day. I wake up each morning hoping to pay forward each and every blessing that has touched my heart.
Let me explain. We often have people willing to help with Team Zeta projects. Just Saturday, I had a lady tell me that we “must” ask her husband ANYTIME we do an event because his business would like to be a sponsor. I explained that we try not to ask the same people over and over simply because we know it’s hard to continually give money to organizations. She said that they wanted to be a part of sponsoring as often as they could. She also asked to volunteer with any event that we do. We have a lot of people volunteer for different things that we do. I think it’s because people want to be a part of something good. People thirst to be a part of the blessings they’ve witnessed being done in our lives. People hunger to be a part of the greater good. The feeling you get while being a blessing to others is better than most any gift you could receive.
The laundry fairy has been to my house almost daily this week – only we were almost too busy to recognize it. I noticed that some of our clothes had been folded and put on the dining room table. I assumed Stevie had done it -but thought it was a little weird – and I didn’t really think that he had time to do it when I would not have seen him. He assumed the same thing of me. This went on for a couple of days. One of us would put the clothes up and then more clothes would appear the next day. Finally, Steven noticed a bag of goodies and some things from my mom on the table with the clothes. He figured out that it was she who was washing our clothes. My dad would stop by the house after we left for school and gather our dirty clothes, then my mom would wash them and they would bring them back. Sad that it took us so long to catch on, but regardless it was definitely a huge blessing!
Finally, I look at the kids I work with at school and I don’t envy them one bit. I remember high-school and those inadequate feelings. I would consider myself to be a part of the ‘in’ crowd when I was in school – I was in sports and had friends, but even then there were so many times I felt like I wasn’t quite sure where I belonged. There are so many kids that feel this way. I just wish I could let them peek into the future or magically make them know all the things that I know so that they understand that it’s ok to love yourself and it’s ok to step up and be a leader. I wish I could take the uneasiness, and hurt, and self-consciousness away.
Finally, I made a call asking an old co-worker about renting a piece of equipment for use for an upcoming event that I’m involved in working with. He agreed to let us use it – free of charge. I’m continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of so many people. It often makes me stop and wonder……hmmm, I don’t think I’ve done anything like that for him/her – why are they being so nice to me? For instance, Team Zeta just got a donation in the mail from a couple that apologized for not being able to come to TZ Day in the Country yet they still wanted to make a donation to our cause. I mean, really – to put that much thought into wanting to help out?! I constantly stand in awe of the blessings and miracles that surround me each day. I wake up each morning hoping to pay forward each and every blessing that has touched my heart.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
I CAN
So it finally happened. I knew it would. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.
I had a little minor (ok a great big uncontrollable) crying jag in front of a class.
I went to bed the night before in an unhappy state of mind. I woke up that morning saying, I don’t want to go to school. I just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself today. The whole time I was getting ready I kept saying, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to deal with life today. I just can’t!
I despise the words ‘I can’t’.
They are just two little words with a heck of a lot of impact. Two little words that quickly brain wash you into believing they are true.
Anyway, I got to school in not the happiest of moods. When my first class of the day came in at 9:15 I did not bother to get up from behind my desk nor hardly look up from the work I was doing on the computer. One of my students joked that he didn’t have his homework. I just looked at him with a lifeless expression………………..these are not my common habits – I just didn’t want to deal with it. We proceeded with our lesson. As I was writing on the board I attempted to take half away from 4……………I tried 3 times without success and finally became so frustrated that I felt the tears coming….. Why in the world could I not do this very elementary math?
Simply, because I told myself all morning – I CAN’T…….
So, it came true. I couldn’t do much of anything.
I apologized to my students and then one of them asked what was wrong. Well, the floodgates opened. I mumbled something to the kids and quickly ran straight to the office to get someone to take care of my class while I composed myself.
Every time I thought I was done the sobs would come, uncontrollably, again.
After about 5 minutes I was able to compose myself and went back to class.
I was able to use a real-life moment as a lesson for my students. I constantly tell them that “I can’t” is not allowed in my classroom. I explained my dilemma to them and told them of how I had continually told myself that morning -“ I Can’t” -and that that was exactly what happened. I had not been able to do even a simple math computation.
Later that day I had 2 guidance classes. I used myself as the perfect example of “I can’t.”
I have no doubt that a large part of how we use our God-given abilities depends on the choice we make each morning to say, “Thank you, Lord, for this day” or “Lord, I can’t do this.” We have a choice each day, each hour, each minute to live life – to love life - and to give the best at EVERY SINGLE THING that we do.
I know I CAN make it through tomorrow because I made it through yesterday. I’ve made it through some of the most difficult things I could have ever imagined for my life.
I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I AM FOCUSED. I AM STRONG. I AM DETERMINED.
I CAN. I WILL. I AM.
I had a little minor (ok a great big uncontrollable) crying jag in front of a class.
I went to bed the night before in an unhappy state of mind. I woke up that morning saying, I don’t want to go to school. I just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself today. The whole time I was getting ready I kept saying, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to deal with life today. I just can’t!
I despise the words ‘I can’t’.
They are just two little words with a heck of a lot of impact. Two little words that quickly brain wash you into believing they are true.
Anyway, I got to school in not the happiest of moods. When my first class of the day came in at 9:15 I did not bother to get up from behind my desk nor hardly look up from the work I was doing on the computer. One of my students joked that he didn’t have his homework. I just looked at him with a lifeless expression………………..these are not my common habits – I just didn’t want to deal with it. We proceeded with our lesson. As I was writing on the board I attempted to take half away from 4……………I tried 3 times without success and finally became so frustrated that I felt the tears coming….. Why in the world could I not do this very elementary math?
Simply, because I told myself all morning – I CAN’T…….
So, it came true. I couldn’t do much of anything.
I apologized to my students and then one of them asked what was wrong. Well, the floodgates opened. I mumbled something to the kids and quickly ran straight to the office to get someone to take care of my class while I composed myself.
Every time I thought I was done the sobs would come, uncontrollably, again.
After about 5 minutes I was able to compose myself and went back to class.
I was able to use a real-life moment as a lesson for my students. I constantly tell them that “I can’t” is not allowed in my classroom. I explained my dilemma to them and told them of how I had continually told myself that morning -“ I Can’t” -and that that was exactly what happened. I had not been able to do even a simple math computation.
Later that day I had 2 guidance classes. I used myself as the perfect example of “I can’t.”
I have no doubt that a large part of how we use our God-given abilities depends on the choice we make each morning to say, “Thank you, Lord, for this day” or “Lord, I can’t do this.” We have a choice each day, each hour, each minute to live life – to love life - and to give the best at EVERY SINGLE THING that we do.
I know I CAN make it through tomorrow because I made it through yesterday. I’ve made it through some of the most difficult things I could have ever imagined for my life.
I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I AM FOCUSED. I AM STRONG. I AM DETERMINED.
I CAN. I WILL. I AM.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Remembering
I'll forewarn you - I'm diagnosing myself again.
Yesterday morning I came across a travel size bottle of lotion that I got while staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta. I opened the bottle and instantly started seeing flashbacks. I vividly remember seeing the bottle that morning and imagining that someone received it from a hotel on an exotic trip to France or somewhere similar. I opened it and lapped in the scent. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. Exotic, soothing, calming, and very much intriguing. I put the lotion on. It made me feel as though I were somewhere other than a community house getting ready to go see my sick baby in the NICU.
I remember walking into the NICU that morning. I remember what I was wearing - down to my socks. I remember the bag I carried on my right shoulder and the fact that I had a binder and a water bottle in my hand. I remember the 3 nurses sitting at the check-in counter. They commented on my perfume (the lotion). I told them where I got it from and we had some nice superficial conversation. I remember washing my hands before going in the unit. I remember talking with Dr. Threadgill. These memories are like watching something on tv. They are just that clear in my mind.
What is strange is that I don't remember anything else about that day. I remember talking to Dr. Threadgill. In my memory I actually see us talking, but I have no clue what we are saying. I don't remember seeing Zeta, although I know that I saw her because we are standing right by her isolette......every single thing past that moment is gone.
Yesterday, when I put the lotion on I immediately got that same feeling as when I first wore it in Augusta. I imagined some sophisticated lady picked it up from her fancy hotel somewhere far away and brought it back to donate to RMH......then just as quickly that feeling changed to uneasiness.....then I started to think about everything I remembered that day........all that I could remember was good, so why is it that once I go into the nursery everything disappears???
There are so many things about our hospitalizations that I remember - both good and bad - some very, very bad.....Some that I wish I had not witnessed or experienced.......but why is it that I can't remember this particular day, especially after having such VIVID memories about that morning?
I liken it to some type of post-traumatic stress. I really and truly have no clue what was going on with Zeta that day. I don't know if it was a good day or a bad day. I don't know what Dr. Threadgill told me in our conversation. I just can't understand why everything else is so real and so fresh in my mind...... or how that lotion stirred this overwhelming emotion in me.
Once I put the lotion on, I quickly debated jumping back in the shower and washing it off. The feeling of 'not knowing' was that intense - but the good feelings I had overcame that. That's kind of how faith works. The feeling of not knowing is sometimes so intense and makes us want to give up or run away, but the peace and good feelings you can get from prayer and having faith triumph over any of that.
I spent the whole drive to school taking in the scent and just trying to remember the rest of that day to no avail.
Once I got to school, I couldn't sit still. I had some paperwork I had planned to do, but couldn't so I went out the back door and started sweeping. The aroma of the lotion swirled around me as the emotions swirled in and out of my mind. I tried to peek in to every crevice of every memory in my brain and still could not find out what happened the rest of that day.
Well, school issues took over and a student's issue took over anything that was in my mind. I forgot about the lotion or I guess I quit trying to remember.
Several people asked me how I was doing yesterday. A few told me I looked tired. At the moment I didn't realize that I felt any different. I assumed I was tired from some things I had worked on at school that morning..........but the more I think about it, the more I believe that part of it was being tired from trying so hard to remember what my mind obviously desperately wants to forget.
So, until my mind feels that it is ready to deal with whatever it experienced that day I will turn it over to my Savior. I know that He already knows and I know that He can heal my spirit just as He has healed my Heavenly Angel, Zeta.
Yesterday morning I came across a travel size bottle of lotion that I got while staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta. I opened the bottle and instantly started seeing flashbacks. I vividly remember seeing the bottle that morning and imagining that someone received it from a hotel on an exotic trip to France or somewhere similar. I opened it and lapped in the scent. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. Exotic, soothing, calming, and very much intriguing. I put the lotion on. It made me feel as though I were somewhere other than a community house getting ready to go see my sick baby in the NICU.
I remember walking into the NICU that morning. I remember what I was wearing - down to my socks. I remember the bag I carried on my right shoulder and the fact that I had a binder and a water bottle in my hand. I remember the 3 nurses sitting at the check-in counter. They commented on my perfume (the lotion). I told them where I got it from and we had some nice superficial conversation. I remember washing my hands before going in the unit. I remember talking with Dr. Threadgill. These memories are like watching something on tv. They are just that clear in my mind.
What is strange is that I don't remember anything else about that day. I remember talking to Dr. Threadgill. In my memory I actually see us talking, but I have no clue what we are saying. I don't remember seeing Zeta, although I know that I saw her because we are standing right by her isolette......every single thing past that moment is gone.
Yesterday, when I put the lotion on I immediately got that same feeling as when I first wore it in Augusta. I imagined some sophisticated lady picked it up from her fancy hotel somewhere far away and brought it back to donate to RMH......then just as quickly that feeling changed to uneasiness.....then I started to think about everything I remembered that day........all that I could remember was good, so why is it that once I go into the nursery everything disappears???
There are so many things about our hospitalizations that I remember - both good and bad - some very, very bad.....Some that I wish I had not witnessed or experienced.......but why is it that I can't remember this particular day, especially after having such VIVID memories about that morning?
I liken it to some type of post-traumatic stress. I really and truly have no clue what was going on with Zeta that day. I don't know if it was a good day or a bad day. I don't know what Dr. Threadgill told me in our conversation. I just can't understand why everything else is so real and so fresh in my mind...... or how that lotion stirred this overwhelming emotion in me.
Once I put the lotion on, I quickly debated jumping back in the shower and washing it off. The feeling of 'not knowing' was that intense - but the good feelings I had overcame that. That's kind of how faith works. The feeling of not knowing is sometimes so intense and makes us want to give up or run away, but the peace and good feelings you can get from prayer and having faith triumph over any of that.
I spent the whole drive to school taking in the scent and just trying to remember the rest of that day to no avail.
Once I got to school, I couldn't sit still. I had some paperwork I had planned to do, but couldn't so I went out the back door and started sweeping. The aroma of the lotion swirled around me as the emotions swirled in and out of my mind. I tried to peek in to every crevice of every memory in my brain and still could not find out what happened the rest of that day.
Well, school issues took over and a student's issue took over anything that was in my mind. I forgot about the lotion or I guess I quit trying to remember.
Several people asked me how I was doing yesterday. A few told me I looked tired. At the moment I didn't realize that I felt any different. I assumed I was tired from some things I had worked on at school that morning..........but the more I think about it, the more I believe that part of it was being tired from trying so hard to remember what my mind obviously desperately wants to forget.
So, until my mind feels that it is ready to deal with whatever it experienced that day I will turn it over to my Savior. I know that He already knows and I know that He can heal my spirit just as He has healed my Heavenly Angel, Zeta.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Life goes on
I met a new friend the other day.
We had an instant connection. You know, one of those connections where you feel like you're peering into someone else's soul?
Only the tie that binds us is one that I sometimes wish no one ever had to experience. We've both been mothers of medically complex children, children with rare brain malformations at that - and we both lost our precious daughters.
Another friend recently told me - "It's not a fun club to be a part of."
That much is certainly true.
What I found in talking with my new friend though is all of the 'firsts' I'm experiencing since the loss of Zeta…….some of the things that may seem strange to you or that most people never have to think of she related to or had already experienced……..
For instance, when talking about how many children I have- I still don't quite know how to answer that question….I’ve had 3 children, but only 2 remain with me.
There are other things too - like I've walked around my house looking at all the awesome pictures Brannon, Rebecca, and Fran have taken of our family.....The next family picture we will take won't include our whole family. A piece of us is gone. I don't know how I will handle that.
Little things...........they seem insignificant in our everyday lives...........until your everyday life is turned upside down.
I even look at my facebook background and profile photos- First and last pictures of our whole family at the beach. I used to change my pictures frequently, but now.......now I don't know if I ever will.......
Just walking into our den - the room that became Zeta's room - is sometimes still hugely emotional.....our family, as a whole, still largely avoids the den.
One of the strange emotions we talked about was the whole medical lifestyle.....how when you lose your child you lose the beeps of the machines, the doctor's visits, the therapist visits, the constant researching for a new way to help your child.........all of those things present a loss too......strange as it may seem you crave all the craziness that robbed you from decent sleep and kept your mind in a constant whirlwind.........
Then there's the question of reaching out to other families - something I feel very called and compelled to do.....when telling my story I want them to hear the message of hope.....sometimes I worry that because Zeta's earthly life ended they will miss the whole point of what our experiences taught us. There is still much hope in Zeta's story. I don't ever lose sight of that.
.....still, as a mother, the pain often feels very new and very raw and yet so long ago all at the same time……and from the conversations I've had with other mothers who have lost their babies the pain grows and changes with us......but it never fades completely......
......still, it's not a hopeless pain.....not for me, anyway.
Truly, I miss Zeta's earthly presence……..but more than that I’ve learned that my most important focus is on God alone. Through that knowledge I have grown and learned so much. I have learned to pay attention to the small things. I have learned to seek the answers that are sometimes so plain to see, yet we get so caught up in the world that we don’t see it. I’ve learned that FAITH is a billion dollar word with an infinite amount of meaning. I know that Jesus lives, God loves, and people are far greater than they might always lead you to believe. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever imagined and that everything does, in fact, serve a greater purpose. I’m learning how to live life without my little girl…..more than that I am learning the good that has come out of every battle she fought. Yes, I said good – you see if we are so busy focusing on the bad we lose sight of the good………but God never promised easy………..since the beginning we lost any promise of an earthly life that resembles heavenly life. It’s up to us to accept the promise of Salvation and continue to let others know how rewarding and hopeful a life saved by grace truly is…….
We had an instant connection. You know, one of those connections where you feel like you're peering into someone else's soul?
Only the tie that binds us is one that I sometimes wish no one ever had to experience. We've both been mothers of medically complex children, children with rare brain malformations at that - and we both lost our precious daughters.
Another friend recently told me - "It's not a fun club to be a part of."
That much is certainly true.
What I found in talking with my new friend though is all of the 'firsts' I'm experiencing since the loss of Zeta…….some of the things that may seem strange to you or that most people never have to think of she related to or had already experienced……..
For instance, when talking about how many children I have- I still don't quite know how to answer that question….I’ve had 3 children, but only 2 remain with me.
There are other things too - like I've walked around my house looking at all the awesome pictures Brannon, Rebecca, and Fran have taken of our family.....The next family picture we will take won't include our whole family. A piece of us is gone. I don't know how I will handle that.
Little things...........they seem insignificant in our everyday lives...........until your everyday life is turned upside down.
I even look at my facebook background and profile photos- First and last pictures of our whole family at the beach. I used to change my pictures frequently, but now.......now I don't know if I ever will.......
Just walking into our den - the room that became Zeta's room - is sometimes still hugely emotional.....our family, as a whole, still largely avoids the den.
One of the strange emotions we talked about was the whole medical lifestyle.....how when you lose your child you lose the beeps of the machines, the doctor's visits, the therapist visits, the constant researching for a new way to help your child.........all of those things present a loss too......strange as it may seem you crave all the craziness that robbed you from decent sleep and kept your mind in a constant whirlwind.........
Then there's the question of reaching out to other families - something I feel very called and compelled to do.....when telling my story I want them to hear the message of hope.....sometimes I worry that because Zeta's earthly life ended they will miss the whole point of what our experiences taught us. There is still much hope in Zeta's story. I don't ever lose sight of that.
.....still, as a mother, the pain often feels very new and very raw and yet so long ago all at the same time……and from the conversations I've had with other mothers who have lost their babies the pain grows and changes with us......but it never fades completely......
......still, it's not a hopeless pain.....not for me, anyway.
Truly, I miss Zeta's earthly presence……..but more than that I’ve learned that my most important focus is on God alone. Through that knowledge I have grown and learned so much. I have learned to pay attention to the small things. I have learned to seek the answers that are sometimes so plain to see, yet we get so caught up in the world that we don’t see it. I’ve learned that FAITH is a billion dollar word with an infinite amount of meaning. I know that Jesus lives, God loves, and people are far greater than they might always lead you to believe. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever imagined and that everything does, in fact, serve a greater purpose. I’m learning how to live life without my little girl…..more than that I am learning the good that has come out of every battle she fought. Yes, I said good – you see if we are so busy focusing on the bad we lose sight of the good………but God never promised easy………..since the beginning we lost any promise of an earthly life that resembles heavenly life. It’s up to us to accept the promise of Salvation and continue to let others know how rewarding and hopeful a life saved by grace truly is…….
Friday, September 13, 2013
life again
Life.
I talk about it a lot.
I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.
I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).
I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.
What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.
You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.
When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….
…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….
I mean everybody has problems, right?
I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”
Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?
Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.
This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!
Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.
Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.
I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.
I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.
Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.
For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all
………..until last night…………..
Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.
When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.
We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.
Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!
Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!
I talk about it a lot.
I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.
I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).
I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.
What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.
You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.
When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….
…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….
I mean everybody has problems, right?
I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”
Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?
Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.
This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!
Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.
Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.
I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.
I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.
Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.
For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all
………..until last night…………..
Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.
When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.
We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.
Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!
Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)