We've made it through another week- not uneventfully though!
I've come to the conclusion that I am truly losing my mind.
Last Monday, I sat down with Zeta's nurse and we worked on scheduling, re-scheduling, and confirming all of our appointments for the month. I must have been having an out of body experience at the time because I don't think it did me very much good......(you'll find out why - just read on....)
Zeta had an appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday because she had been a little under the weather . We left from there for a neurology appointment. Everything went well for both appointments. Her pediatrician started her on a new antibiotic and she was already perking up by Tuesday. I love, love, love her pediatrician! She always has a pep-talk for Zeta and any time Zeta is sick or in the hospital either her office, or she personally, calls to check on her! Her latest advice to Zeta included telling her that she couldn't have any unexpected visits the beginning of September because she is getting married and will be out of the office lol! Everything checked out well with Neurology too - don't have to see them again for 6 months. Her neurologist is a hoot -which is kind of funny because the neurologist in Phoenix was a real character too - so much so that Steve asked me if I thought it was a requirement for neuros to be so 'charasmatic' - I don't think he used those words lol, but I digress.... I'm thankful to have such caring, charasmatic, and animated doctors - it sure makes the appointments more interesting!
The fun came (along with the realization that I'm crazy) on Wednesday when the boys and I left to go to a dental appointment. We left early to do a little school shopping because I knew this was the last day I had available to get some last minute shopping done before school started. As Steven was trying on the 2 millionth pair of blue jeans (let me tell you, a size 29x 25 fit is pretty hard to find:) Zeta's nurse called to tell me that the calendar showed that our dental appointments were for the following week. I called the dentist office and asked, "Are our appointments today or next Wednesday?" After searching their appointment calendar, the receptionist finally confirmed that our appointments were neither that day, nor the following week. The appointments aren't until August 31st!!!! So, does that tell you how crazy I am???
Thursday, we headed back to Charleston for a cardio appointment (one doctor we can scratch off the list now woo hoo!) and I initially though we had rescheduled therapy for then too, but Zeta's nurse quickly set me straight! So we drove all the way to Charleston to wait a couple of hours to be told that everything is a-ok with her heart....which is just fine with me! Oh, and I forgot to mention that I pulled Zeta's feeding tube out again (only the second time this week) so I ended up having to replace it while we were in the parking garage -and yes, I've learned to order spares to keep on hand - no more embarrassing phone calls to the morgue (if you've just started reading my blog you'll have to go back and read about the time that I was calling all the area hospitals looking for a button for the feeding tube).
We got home around 3:30 Thursday and then turned right back around to go to the beach that evening. Much needed Beach Therapy or just CRAZY? Sometimes, I make my ownself wonder!!! Really, the whole reason we decided to go to the beach this weekend is because Steven recently made the comment, "We don't ever go to the beach anymore." I told him that he goes all the time with Nan and Grandaddy -and he quickly responded, "Yeah, but you and daddy don't go with us like you did before Zeta was born." That kind of tugged at my heart, so of course we had to make it happen before school started! Sad thing is I wasted the whole weekend worrying about missing meet and greet and feeling sorry for myself for a variety of other reasons......sometimes it's just really hard to shake the self-pity when you think about your circumstances and start feeling sorry for yourself.
I did get to have an interesting conversation with Chancelor. We were discussing possible colleges. (Ok , so he's only 8 - but it's never too early) I told him that he could choose Harvard, Yale, or Princeton. He said he would probably go to Yale so he could catch a lot of fish?....Then Steve told him that he couldn't go to college because he has 'un-learned' how to sleep in his OWN bed this summer (he will sleep in the den, the living room, on the floor, on the couch, in our bed - but NOT HIS bed). Chancelor's reply, "Get real Daddy. When I go to college I will be much older, much braver, and plus I will have a roommate!"
Today, I took the boys to school.....The very first time I've taken them on the first day and left them there (except for pre-school). I always worked in the school that they attended.....up until last year, and on the first day of school last year I was at the hospital with Zeta. So, today I took them to school. Chancelor let me walk him in- even held my hand until we got to the 3rd grade hall, but then he dropped it quick! Steven informed me last night that he did not need me to walk him in....he explained that he knew how to get to fifth grade hall and he could read the teacher's names and find his classroom. So, I wasn't really feeling the love this morning. Now I know how all those parents felt when they left their children with me all those years that I taught kindergarten or the times I tried to coax children from their parents when I was a counselor (makes me wonder now - was I coaxing the child from the parent or vice-versa lol).
Have you ever felt you only had one step left between you and the make-believe line that keeps you from going insane? Well, this morning I crossed that line...... I was already contemplating a morning nap (like that's really gonna happen) 'cause I was still wallowing in the mire of self-pity, but then Zeta's pediatrican's office called. They called to tell me about the latest virulent bacteria growing in Zeta's trach (results from the culture they took last week when she wasn't feeling well). ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! Talk about crossing the line to insanity - I think I jumped the cliff!!!!!!! You could say I panicked!!! "Oh no, this can't be good!!! Should I clorox and wash down everything in my house?" I was assured that everything was okay, that we just need to continue good hand-washing (it's a wonder we have any skin left on our hands around here). Thankfully, the bacteria is susceptible to the antibiotic they put her on last week.
Well, I hung up the phone and fell into a heap of sobs. I just couldn't help myself. I've already been stuck in the valley of despair in a city call pity and now, I had just jumped the cliff waaayyy far from reality! Why? Why? Why? Waaa...Waaa....Waa.....
Funny how it took me a while to realize that Zeta is okay. That evidently, we caught this infection very early. That she was doing better by day 2 of the antibiotics. No, I got lost in the fact that I just found out WHAT it was. I was wasting time thinking about all the what ifs and what might happen.....I totally forgot about how well she has been doing! I didn't think about the fact that 'clinically' there are no signs of the infection.......Just wasting time........
Just like this weekend - that's what I did - WASTED time. WASTED time that I could have spent enjoying my family, but instead I sullked. WASTED time, but instead I felt sorry for myself. WASTED time - because instead of focusing on all that our family CAN do together, I chose to focus on what we CAN'T do - and.....and I felt SORRY for myself....not sorry for Zeta, not sorry for my family....but sorry for MYSELF!
You know, once we get down sometimes it's hard to get back up. You know, the feeling like the screaming girl in the movies that ends up getting knocked because all she does is cry and scream and scream and cry and somehow a slap in the face makes her stop? You know, that spinning head feeling??? (I do have those pretty often-lol). You know the feeling....yeah we all know that feeling......when you realize how silly it is to feel so sorry for yourself and then you get really embarrassed because if anyone knew you felt this way it would be a total shame. You know - because they say-most people don't care to hear your problems and the rest of them are just glad they don't have your problems!
I'm fortunate because Someone is always looking out for my well-being and makes sure I find my way back up. Once I got over my 'spell' this morning I decided that I should go ahead and clean the room that Zeta spends most of her time in.....Err...well, I did a little more than clean.....I washed and scrubbed, and germ-xed, lysoled, and cloroxed anything in my way. During the moments that I wanted to stop and feel sorry for myself the phone would ring....no lie....I had more phone calls today than I usually have in 3 or 4 days. I sat and talked with a friend for a while and she even brought up a note (without knowing my pity party status) that had been tagged on my facebook page. The note is entitled, Sunshine in the midst of the storm (by Kaelyn Michelle Pfenning). Several things stuck out to me..... 1. My questioning of 'Why' because of a recent death 2. The trap of my own self-pity I have allowed myself to experience the past few days-------
These are some of the things that I read:When the stress of school or work becomes too much to bear or the pressures of peers becomes too much to withstand or the pain of separation becomes too much to endure or the uncertainty of life becomes too much to comprehend, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
He alone knows and understands completely everything we experience.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." ~ Zephaniah3:17
There is a reason "why" and just because we often lose sight of why doesn't mean that He loves us less. God has a plan for each and every one of us. He has never promised that our earthly lives will be easygiven us minds to make our own choices. We, ultimately, have to utilize those choices and exercise our FAITH.....I know I can make that choice or I can choose to wallow in self-pity..........I can tell you FOR SURE that it feels a lot BETTER knowing that I'm in His loving arms!
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