Heavy Heart

I wrote this entry last night, but wasn't able to post.

My heart is heavy.

On the way to Zeta's appointments at MUSC today we witnessed the end results of an erratic driver. The first thing I thought about the pedestrian was, "Oh, I hope he believed in God. I hope he was saved." My thoughts toward the driver were conflicting and confusing. My immediate thought was of sorrow, then wondering whether or not his life was 'right' with God, and finally anger at how his actions changed so many lives in an instant. I have continued with these emotions throughout the day. No, it is not my place to judge. No, I don't know why the driver was driving the way that he was, and I will probably not ever know whether either of these men were/are 'right' with God. On one hand I can say that it is not my problem, and on the other I have to say that it is my obligation......to help others understand....to help others know Him....to show what a difference He has made in our lives....all at the same time I am constantly re-examining my own faith and trying to figure out Life.

My heart is heavy because I know a family that is struggling with the effects of cancer. I am struggling between WISHING they were not dealing with this and UNDERSTANDING that there is some GREATER PLAN in it all. I teeter between feeling as though I have some understanding of what they are going through while knowing that I can never fully understand someone else's story or someone else's pain without experiencing it firsthand.

My heart is heavy because I know a mother who is preparing for her baby to go through surgery soon. She is rightfully anxious. I can give advice and tell her how OUR experiences have been relating to surgery. Yet, I cannot fully understand how SHE is handling things or know exactly what to say. I want to say everything will be okay. I want to tell her to give to Him....but I know that is much, much easier SAID than DONE.

My heart is heavy because I have an old friend that does not believe in God. In fact, I'm pretty sure friend proclaims to hate God. Years ago, one of the last things friend said to me was, "You taught me a lot about God." I think to myself - apparently I didn't do enough, but I still pray about it, and I know it is friend's choice and I cannot MAKE this decision.

I have wanted to wrap my arms and heart around all of these people today. My heart aches for each of them, but I know He is watching over everyone involved in every aspect of each one's story.

I think about my own story. I think about how my heart aches for my own family and myself at times. I know that my OWN story has made me much more compassionate and open to other people's stories. I know that it has made me (at least want to ) listen more and (try) to judge a lot less.

Listen more.....judge less............

A LOT EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

It's human nature.

BUT.....I HAVE BEEN BLESSED TO HAVE CONSTANT REMINDERS.

I've judged, I've been hypocritical. I've lied. I've been mean before. I've walked right past someone obviously hurting because I was too busy or too oblivious to what was going on..,..or because I had no idea what to say. I say these things in past tense because they are things I WISH I didn't do, but I know the human-ness (if that's a word) is still very much a part of me and I KNOW I am not always what I need to be. I try to be conscious of these things, but who are we kidding here....I'm NOT PERFECT................ I'm NOT amazing....I'm NOT strong.......I'm NOT a lot of things that people are kind enough to say or think that I am. If I SEEM to be ANYTHING at all it is when I am stepping back and letting GOD take control....it is because I have a SOLID family that CONSTANTLY loves and supports me...it is because I have a few AWESOME friends that make me feel like what is going on in MY life is most important and have been MORE GIVING and UNDERSTANDING than I wonder if I would ever be... it is because I have friends AND complete STRANGERS reaching out to me and showing me KINDNESS and LOVE in ways I never imagined.

I follow a blog by Chris Johnson....he once said something about being BROKEN by the Holy Spirit....Just a couple of years ago, I could not have possibly understood what he meant, but now I am fully aware.

Yes, I've been a Christian for a long time.....but for a long time I don't think I've fully understood all I needed to know and all I have still yet to learn!

I know this hasn't been the jolliest of entries...but things like this continually weigh on my mind. I initially sat down to write a "Zeta update" but I just couldn't get these things out of my mind.

I just recently told a friend that I feel like sometimes I walk a fine line between some of those 'unbelieveable' wannabe televangelists and truly being a witness of my faith....Like sometimes I might fall between cheesy and -Heaven forbid- too "Holy Roly" lolok. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't want to TELL people what to do, HOW to act, WHAT to feel. I just hope that I can SHARE and be an example in the best way that I know how.....and regretfully, sometimes (actually probably many times) that means I'm imperfect in an imperfect world.

I really wandered all over the place here with this blog tonight...the fun thing about blogging is that I never really make myself crazy over what I'm going to write(although I have experienced some writer's remorse immediately after pressing SEND at times)...I start writing....and hope that it makes sense....and hope that maybe someone may find some use in what I say...or at least be a little interested.... I think most of all it gives me a way to express my thoughts....those who know me know that I'm not always all about TALKING about my feelings...but WRITING...well that's another story!

>....and Mandy....a Zeta update blog 'coming soon', promise:) (but she is still doing well!)