Males and Females....

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. ~Mother Teresa

This was last year.....they're growing up way too fast!

Ok, so I know there are books and research galore about the difference between men and women...but sometimes it doesn't make it any easier to understand MEN.

I asked Stevie a simple question last night, "If I bought a small, old car for under $1,000 and it lasted me 6 months it would be worth it in gas, right?" It wasn't really a question....just a passing thought.....

Why, oh why did I ask that? It turned into a 3 hour ordeal about how I'M finally going to know what it's like to worry about money....you see, he was 'kind' enough to point out that I've been spending loads of money on gas every time Zeta is home from the hospital - going back and forth to appointments, etc. - but, he told me, "You haven't realized it because you've had your mind so wrapped around Zeta's problems, as you should, and you haven't realized anything about money."

This is all very true. I haven't worried about money. I tell people all the time, I gave that all to God a very long time ago - and we haven't had to go without. There's no way I could handle worrying about Zeta AND money.

Sometimes I feel like Stevie has the LUXURY of going to work. I mean, he gets to think about something other than all of Zeta's difficulties and how much our life has changed. He can (or rather, HAS to) shut off the emotional stuff. I realize that going to work probably does help him and gives him the opportunity to 'shut' everything else out, but I also realize that that's the way MEN deal with things....they feel like they have to be DOING something. Our family is blessed to have a man that works to provide for us.

When I think rationally, I realize these things.

But, let's face it - these days - I'm NOT always a rational thinker.

For instance, last night, I had Zeta's fractured leg unwrapped. Stevie called me to the den to watch him move her leg and then she started crying...."Look," he said, "She cries when I move that leg."

"Well, of course she does - that's her broken leg!" I replied in disbelief....I wanted to say a lot more, but decided to hold my tongue..... I mean really, how does he not know which leg is broken?!?!?!?

You see it is just as hard for him to believe that I am just now figuring out that we might need to be concerned about money as it is for me to believe that he doesn't know every detail of Zeta's health issues.

While we are on the subject of money, I have a confession....

Sometimes, I get really worried and overwhelmed about all that people do for us.

I mean, Zeta has her own 'logo' and assortment of 'merchandise' ....people are continually doing for us....continually giving......a friend recently wrote to me, "I feel like a dork sending you money, but I feel so helpless- go buy Zeta a dress and some bows or something." I know that feeling all too well.......and it still feels pretty weird to be on the receiving end of so much support. I don't know what I'm trying to say here.....I just want everyone to know we are so very appreciative....BUT we are not looking for anything.....We try to ensure that we are thoughtful and cognizant of EVERYTHING that people do for us.

The good part of all of this is that now I'm ABLE to worry a little bit about things OTHER than Zeta's health status.

I've been through a HUGE emotional 'letdown' the past few weeks. One of Zeta's home support people gave me a 'baby blues' checklist....and it told me I was 'moderately depressed.' This wasn't a huge surprise. Moms, you can relate to those 'baby blues' you had after you brought your newborn home....now, imaging living in that newborn mode for a year and a half.....I've often read that having a child with special needs is like experiencing a newborn - EVERYDAY - no sleep, exhaustion, the disruption in home and marriage....the change in family dynamics, etc, etc. I have lived - or rather, survived, on adrenaline for the PAST 18 months. Since Zeta's surgery it's as if she has been re-born in a way. I'm finally able to come off that hyper-diligent mode a little more.....BUT it's scaring the heck out of me....

I can allow myself to actually feel my feelings....and I don't always like it.....then there's the 'what-if' scenarios that always pop into my mind too.....

It has been 6 weeks since Zeta's surgery (4 weeks since we've been home). We saw some small seizures immediately after surgery and the day we flew back home. (Now, remember- she was  having small seizures pretty much daily and larger seizures if she was sick prior to the surgery.) Well, for the past 3 days I have seen some questionable seizure activity - all VERY brief. BUT all the what-ifs cloud my brain......I had my mind made up that the seizures were COMPLETELY GONE.........so, DISAPPOINTMENT at seeing this questionable activity is an understatement.......BUT....my 'rational' self tells me that if we went from daily seizures to seizures every 4-6 weeks it is still a TREMENDOUS improvement......I don't want to live in FEAR......or darkness or depression......so I HAVE to get a GRIP!!

Do you ever feel like this???

There is nothing funny about depression, and I know many people have chemical imbalances that medication CAN and DOES help.....but I firmly believe that you also have to take an ACTIVE part in your own thinking. There isn't a magic pill that is going to take ALL of your problems away.....(although sometimes I surely wish there was!!) 

I recently told someone going through the grieving process that I know some days she must feel like she's just going through the motions and giving a 'performance' to those around her.....I feel like that sometimes.....but, you know what? If you go through the motions enough and put a smile on your face - even when you don't feel like it- (AND you ask GOD for strength) eventually, it's not an act anymore.....because .....because you finally find your logical, rational self and realize that THERE are still a LOT of things to be thankful for......

Some days, I feel like I've become my own therapist through writing lol.....and all of you are the greatest counselors in the world - you know, counselors are excellent listeners, and those of you that take time to read about all my problems have to be pretty superb to read so much:)

Zeta has had us scratching our heads the past couple of days. She hasn't really been sick, but she hasn't been herself either. She seems to be trying to do more with her leg...but she seems a little agitated and we can't figure out if her leg is bothering her (I don't really think that's it) or if it's something else. Remember, I said I felt like I've seen some seizure activity here and there - we've been working her a little harder (more sensory stimulation).....so perhaps that has something to do with it..... but, all things considered she is doing well!

 

Thank you for your continued prayers!!!!

Zeta loves her big brother - but Chancelor isn't so sure about the BABY SLOBBER!!!

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. ~Author Unknown