People continue to amaze me. The cleaning fairy does exist, and even the most seemingly self-confident teenagers do have feelings.

Let me explain. We often have people willing to help with Team Zeta projects. Just Saturday, I had a lady tell me that we “must” ask her husband ANYTIME we do an event because his business would like to be a sponsor. I explained that we try not to ask the same people over and over simply because we know it’s hard to continually give money to organizations. She said that they wanted to be a part of sponsoring as often as they could. She also asked to volunteer with any event that we do. We have a lot of people volunteer for different things that we do. I think it’s because people want to be a part of something good. People thirst to be a part of the blessings they’ve witnessed being done in our lives. People hunger to be a part of the greater good. The feeling you get while being a blessing to others is better than most any gift you could receive.

The laundry fairy has been to my house almost daily this week – only we were almost too busy to recognize it. I noticed that some of our clothes had been folded and put on the dining room table. I assumed Stevie had done it -but thought it was a little weird – and I didn’t really think that he had time to do it when I would not have seen him. He assumed the same thing of me. This went on for a couple of days. One of us would put the clothes up and then more clothes would appear the next day. Finally, Steven noticed a bag of goodies and some things from my mom on the table with the clothes. He figured out that it was she who was washing our clothes. My dad would stop by the house after we left for school and gather our dirty clothes, then my mom would wash them and they would bring them back. Sad that it took us so long to catch on, but regardless it was definitely a huge blessing!

Finally, I look at the kids I work with at school and I don’t envy them one bit. I remember high-school and those inadequate feelings. I would consider myself to be a part of the ‘in’ crowd when I was in school – I was in sports and had friends, but even then there were so many times I felt like I wasn’t quite sure where I belonged. There are so many kids that feel this way. I just wish I could let them peek into the future or magically make them know all the things that I know so that they understand that it’s ok to love yourself and it’s ok to step up and be a leader. I wish I could take the uneasiness, and hurt, and self-consciousness away.

Finally, I made a call asking an old co-worker about renting a piece of equipment for use for an upcoming event that I’m involved in working with. He agreed to let us use it – free of charge. I’m continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of so many people. It often makes me stop and wonder……hmmm, I don’t think I’ve done anything like that for him/her – why are they being so nice to me? For instance, Team Zeta just got a donation in the mail from a couple that apologized for not being able to come to TZ Day in the Country yet they still wanted to make a donation to our cause. I mean, really – to put that much thought into wanting to help out?! I constantly stand in awe of the blessings and miracles that surround me each day. I wake up each morning hoping to pay forward each and every blessing that has touched my heart.

I CAN

So it finally happened. I knew it would. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.

I had a little minor (ok a great big uncontrollable) crying jag in front of a class.
I went to bed the night before in an unhappy state of mind. I woke up that morning saying, I don’t want to go to school. I just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself today. The whole time I was getting ready I kept saying, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to deal with life today. I just can’t!
I despise the words ‘I can’t’.

They are just two little words with a heck of a lot of impact. Two little words that quickly brain wash you into believing they are true.

Anyway, I got to school in not the happiest of moods. When my first class of the day came in at 9:15 I did not bother to get up from behind my desk nor hardly look up from the work I was doing on the computer. One of my students joked that he didn’t have his homework. I just looked at him with a lifeless expression………………..these are not my common habits – I just didn’t want to deal with it. We proceeded with our lesson. As I was writing on the board I attempted to take half away from 4……………I tried 3 times without success and finally became so frustrated that I felt the tears coming….. Why in the world could I not do this very elementary math?

Simply, because I told myself all morning – I CAN’T…….

So, it came true. I couldn’t do much of anything.

I apologized to my students and then one of them asked what was wrong. Well, the floodgates opened. I mumbled something to the kids and quickly ran straight to the office to get someone to take care of my class while I composed myself.

Every time I thought I was done the sobs would come, uncontrollably, again.

After about 5 minutes I was able to compose myself and went back to class.

I was able to use a real-life moment as a lesson for my students. I constantly tell them that “I can’t” is not allowed in my classroom. I explained my dilemma to them and told them of how I had continually told myself that morning -“ I Can’t” -and that that was exactly what happened. I had not been able to do even a simple math computation.

Later that day I had 2 guidance classes. I used myself as the perfect example of “I can’t.”

I have no doubt that a large part of how we use our God-given abilities depends on the choice we make each morning to say, “Thank you, Lord, for this day” or “Lord, I can’t do this.” We have a choice each day, each hour, each minute to live life – to love life - and to give the best at EVERY SINGLE THING that we do.

I know I CAN make it through tomorrow because I made it through yesterday. I’ve made it through some of the most difficult things I could have ever imagined for my life.

I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I AM FOCUSED. I AM STRONG. I AM DETERMINED.

I CAN. I WILL. I AM.

Remembering

I'll forewarn you - I'm diagnosing myself again.

Yesterday morning I came across a travel size bottle of lotion that I got while staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta. I opened the bottle and instantly started seeing flashbacks. I vividly remember seeing the bottle that morning and imagining that someone received it from a hotel on an exotic trip to France or somewhere similar. I opened it and lapped in the scent. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. Exotic, soothing, calming, and very much intriguing. I put the lotion on. It made me feel as though I were somewhere other than a community house getting ready to go see my sick baby in the NICU.

I remember walking into the NICU that morning. I remember what I was wearing - down to my socks. I remember the bag I carried on my right shoulder and the fact that I had a binder and a water bottle in my hand. I remember the 3 nurses sitting at the check-in counter. They commented on my perfume (the lotion). I told them where I got it from and we had some nice superficial conversation. I remember washing my hands before going in the unit. I remember talking with Dr. Threadgill. These memories are like watching something on tv. They are just that clear in my mind.

What is strange is that I don't remember anything else about that day. I remember talking to Dr. Threadgill. In my memory I actually see us talking, but I have no clue what we are saying. I don't remember seeing Zeta, although I know that I saw her because we are standing right by her isolette......every single thing past that moment is gone.

Yesterday, when I put the lotion on I immediately got that same feeling as when I first wore it in Augusta. I imagined some sophisticated lady picked it up from her fancy hotel somewhere far away and brought it back to donate to RMH......then just as quickly that feeling changed to uneasiness.....then I started to think about everything I remembered that day........all that I could remember was good, so why is it that once I go into the nursery everything disappears???

There are so many things about our hospitalizations that I remember - both good and bad - some very, very bad.....Some that I wish I had not witnessed or experienced.......but why is it that I can't remember this particular day, especially after having such VIVID memories about that morning?

I liken it to some type of post-traumatic stress. I really and truly have no clue what was going on with Zeta that day. I don't know if it was a good day or a bad day. I don't know what Dr. Threadgill told me in our conversation. I just can't understand why everything else is so real and so fresh in my mind...... or how that lotion stirred this overwhelming emotion in me.

Once I put the lotion on, I quickly debated jumping back in the shower and washing it off. The feeling of 'not knowing' was that intense - but the good feelings I had overcame that. That's kind of how faith works. The feeling of not knowing is sometimes so intense and makes us want to give up or run away, but the peace and good feelings you can get from prayer and having faith triumph over any of that.

I spent the whole drive to school taking in the scent and just trying to remember the rest of that day to no avail.

Once I got to school, I couldn't sit still. I had some paperwork I had planned to do, but couldn't so I went out the back door and started sweeping. The aroma of the lotion swirled around me as the emotions swirled in and out of my mind. I tried to peek in to every crevice of every memory in my brain and still could not find out what happened the rest of that day.

Well, school issues took over and a student's issue took over anything that was in my mind. I forgot about the lotion or I guess I quit trying to remember.

Several people asked me how I was doing yesterday. A few told me I looked tired. At the moment I didn't realize that I felt any different. I assumed I was tired from some things I had worked on at school that morning..........but the more I think about it, the more I believe that part of it was being tired from trying so hard to remember what my mind obviously desperately wants to forget.

So, until my mind feels that it is ready to deal with whatever it experienced that day I will turn it over to my Savior. I know that He already knows and I know that He can heal my spirit just as He has healed my Heavenly Angel, Zeta.

Life goes on

I met a new friend the other day.

We had an instant connection. You know, one of those connections where you feel like you're peering into someone else's soul?

Only the tie that binds us is one that I sometimes wish no one ever had to experience. We've both been mothers of medically complex children, children with rare brain malformations at that - and we both lost our precious daughters.
Another friend recently told me - "It's not a fun club to be a part of."
That much is certainly true.

What I found in talking with my new friend though is all of the 'firsts' I'm experiencing since the loss of Zeta…….some of the things that may seem strange to you or that most people never have to think of she related to or had already experienced……..

For instance, when talking about how many children I have- I still don't quite know how to answer that question….I’ve had 3 children, but only 2 remain with me.
There are other things too - like I've walked around my house looking at all the awesome pictures Brannon, Rebecca, and Fran have taken of our family.....The next family picture we will take won't include our whole family. A piece of us is gone. I don't know how I will handle that.

Little things...........they seem insignificant in our everyday lives...........until your everyday life is turned upside down.

I even look at my facebook background and profile photos- First and last pictures of our whole family at the beach. I used to change my pictures frequently, but now.......now I don't know if I ever will.......

Just walking into our den - the room that became Zeta's room - is sometimes still hugely emotional.....our family, as a whole, still largely avoids the den.

One of the strange emotions we talked about was the whole medical lifestyle.....how when you lose your child you lose the beeps of the machines, the doctor's visits, the therapist visits, the constant researching for a new way to help your child.........all of those things present a loss too......strange as it may seem you crave all the craziness that robbed you from decent sleep and kept your mind in a constant whirlwind.........

Then there's the question of reaching out to other families - something I feel very called and compelled to do.....when telling my story I want them to hear the message of hope.....sometimes I worry that because Zeta's earthly life ended they will miss the whole point of what our experiences taught us. There is still much hope in Zeta's story. I don't ever lose sight of that.

.....still, as a mother, the pain often feels very new and very raw and yet so long ago all at the same time……and from the conversations I've had with other mothers who have lost their babies the pain grows and changes with us......but it never fades completely......
......still, it's not a hopeless pain.....not for me, anyway.

Truly, I miss Zeta's earthly presence……..but more than that I’ve learned that my most important focus is on God alone. Through that knowledge I have grown and learned so much. I have learned to pay attention to the small things. I have learned to seek the answers that are sometimes so plain to see, yet we get so caught up in the world that we don’t see it. I’ve learned that FAITH is a billion dollar word with an infinite amount of meaning. I know that Jesus lives, God loves, and people are far greater than they might always lead you to believe. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever imagined and that everything does, in fact, serve a greater purpose. I’m learning how to live life without my little girl…..more than that I am learning the good that has come out of every battle she fought. Yes, I said good – you see if we are so busy focusing on the bad we lose sight of the good………but God never promised easy………..since the beginning we lost any promise of an earthly life that resembles heavenly life. It’s up to us to accept the promise of Salvation and continue to let others know how rewarding and hopeful a life saved by grace truly is…….

life again

Life.

I talk about it a lot.

I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.

I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).

I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.

What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.

You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.

When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….

…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….

I mean everybody has problems, right?

I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”

Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?

Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.

This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!

Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.

Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.

I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.

I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.

Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.

For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all

………..until last night…………..

Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.

When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.

We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.

Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!

Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!

life again

Life.

I talk about it a lot.

I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.

I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).

I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.

What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.

You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.

When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….

…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….

I mean everybody has problems, right?

I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”

Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?

Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.

This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!

Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.

Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.

I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.

I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.

Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.

For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all

………..until last night…………..

Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.

When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.

We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.

Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!

Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!

Where's the passion?

Ever wonder how it seems some people have life all figured out?

I mean some people, despite any situation they are in, seem to have it all under control.

Some people have a passion in them that exceeds my human understanding.

I have two theories on this:
1) Some people think they know everything and just don't care what anyone else thinks (I think this is one of the highest forms of insecurity, by the way)

2) Some people believe that no one else has really figured out the secret to life and they just jump right in and play along. They're confident enough to believe that it doesn't really matter what "people" think because nothing on earth can be worse than hell.

I would like to pretend that I am in the second group of people here. Sometimes I can pretend really well......to the point that I even make myself believe that I'm confident and capable of anything.

Fact is, I do nothing on my own. I am saved by Jesus Christ and any confidence I can muster comes from Him. Fact is, NOTHING here on earth IS as bad as HELL------------ So, why is it that we can't always be open, honest and sincere?

Why is it that when compared to others we find ourselves feeling insecure?
Why does it seem that someone else always has the better car, the better house, the better kids? Why does it seem like someone else always has more friends, tells better jokes, speaks more eloquently.....or is just plain BETTER?

This is a struggle when we let material things take control of our hearts and minds. It's a struggle when we take our focus off of God.

When we start comparing ourselves to others we lose sight in the fact that we were ALL created in His image. We were created to serve Him and love one another. We were created to spread the love and joy and the message of hope and redemption. We were created to be confident and capable.....while at the same time remaining humble.

Only......... sin prevents us from our purpose. Simply being human keeps us from our purpose.

Want to know the secret to life? Look in the Bible. Listen to God. Stop and actually remember and count EVERY single blessing in your life. Did you wake up this morning? Blessing number 1. Don't believe that's a blessing? Well, it's one more day you have to see your spouse, your child, the beach-----whatever it is that motivates you. Are you able to walk, talk, eat and breathe? If you stop and look at all the suffering in our world you'll see how fortunate you really are......try having a child with numerous medical needs and you will quickly understand how many things we take for granted and how much of a blessing it is that every part of the human body is perfectly formed to do the things we need it to do in order to just open our eyes in the morning.

I wish I could say that I know, understand, and live the secret of life. I think I have SOME clue simply because I know that when my focus is truly on Him I am able to face the most unimaginable circumstances. Sadly, through everything I've learned I still fumble and try to rely on my own resources.

Where's our passion?

I want to be one of those people that people look at and say, "Wow, she really does have it figured out. She has peace, understanding, compassion, love..........."

Thing is, I think there is a fine line in wanting to be that person and then becoming prideful in being that person.....then you lose it all again.........

Not making much sense? or am I?

I want to figure out how to ignite passion in others. I want to figure out how to make everyone see their own potential. I want us all to "figure out life."

What I'm saying here is kind of like "once I was blind, but now I see." So many times, I've tried to rely on my own understanding. During those times, I am scared, nervous and insecure. When I give it to God, I only see my purpose. The purpose to love and serve and tell everyone else about the peace of understanding......about the confidence, capability and peace that comes with having pure faith.

I feel best when I can shed the mask of insecurity. I've learned over the past few years that I feel better after exposing my own vulnerabilities. I can tell you that it takes a heck of a lot of practice and sometimes a lot of self-persuasion, but in the end once I let go of the vulnerabilities and actually get my feelings out there I feel cleansed. There is something very liberating, while at the same time very frightening, about vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is letting the world see the purest form of our souls. When we put down the masks and put down our guards we let others peer through the windows of our souls. It is a scary feeling---------until that 'one' person relates. Until, you understand that there are so many people out there looking to feel validated......people looking for purpose and trying to find hope..... just like you....just like me..... When we tear down the walls we are open to so many opportunities. When we are vulnerable we find confidence in just BEING....we find confidence in what we were CREATED to do.

Is it an easy thing? By no means........

Is it worth it? All the time!

Do we always do it? No, I do believe it is one of the most difficult things to do........but oh how wonderful it would be if we could all always love and serve and share in truth. What if we all knew how to stir the passions that lie within us? What if we all understood and followed the secret to life?